Hey guys!
I was just thinking. My friend and I recently discussed whether you should tell people you are seeing, up front, if you are not interested in them, as soon as you know. I thought it was better to be subtle and just convey it through body-language, lack of your presence in their life, etc. But he showed me the light. Just tell them when you know. Then you can get right to the being friends part. It's so funny, because girls are so raised to be polite and subtle. They might not realize it, but they are, simply from role models and century old stories and traditions. So even if you ask most girls, straight out, "are you attracted to me?" they might bend the truth a little to avoid "hurting your feelings!" LOL. It's silly now that I look back on it. What do you think?
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A straightforward question about your feelings should be answered with a compassionate response. By offering consolation instead of affirmation when you're going to disappoint, you are both answering the question and being comforting at the same time. If the person then pressures for a straight yes or no, the most polite thing to do is to say you're sorry.
ReplyDeleteWhen you "bend the truth", you aren't avoiding hurt feelings; you're just delaying their onset and playing the ostrich.
Likewise, by drifting away from someone, you prolong the process. The quicker the truth is made clear, the sooner the other person can move on.
Transitioning from romance to friendship is an awkward dance. In my experience it likely won't last and is another way of drawing out the torment of unrequited longing, unless the desire is mutual.
I'm glad your friend brought this to your attention, but you know, it's not really the sole domain of women where this sort of behavior comes out. It happens with both men and women, and is a direct result (in my opinion) of our society teaching us to be evasive - when someone knows what you REALLY think, they can somehow get power over you, apparently. Women are far more likely to get taught this sort of behavior, absolutely, but men get it too. I can't count the number of times that a male friend has waited for someone to "Get the hint," and I've had to impress upon him sternly that doing such a thing is passive-aggressive, disrespectful, and just outright lame.
ReplyDeletePerhaps unsurprisingly, people don't like hearing that from me, as I'm generally a nice and respectful person when I speak to people. I remind them that I'm also honest and that I would want someone to respect me and be up front with me in such a situation, and I would want my friends to be that way as well. I think that lightens the curse a bit. ;)
Here's to newfound understanding! Hurrah!
Jemstone - very insightful and well put!
ReplyDeleteWell, thank you! Can you tell what I wrote a lot of papers about in College? ;)
ReplyDeleteExcellent insights so far in these comments. I concur that the truth is almost always better when talking about feelings. If a friendship is all that will come of the relationship it will start sooner, and have a stronger base having been upfront and truthful with the person.
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